Subtle Swapping by Hannah Robinson
Billions of loving and hardworking parents around the world are currently grieving about how their children have not lived up to their expectations: Jon is not the baseball star Dad wanted, Megan has a 2.6 GPA when her mother worked tirelessly with her so she could obtain at least a 3.0. Unfortunately, these hooligans are nothing but lazy ingrates, and most parents find that their children are just not suited for the standards they set up when they were infants. Many a mother gazes out the window after a long day, dreaming about how lovely it would be to have a child who fulfilled everything he or she was supposed to, while many a father lays in bed with a heavy heart, wishing his child was just plain better.
Now, I shall take it upon myself to offer to the public an idea that would please all parties: child swapping. If a mother from one family wants an outstanding GPA while a father from another wants a child with baseball skills, each family could easily swap out their own offspring for a new and improved child better suited to their family conditions.
First, this is a simple, easy, revolutionary way to improve not only the lives of the parents, who deserve a child willing to live up to household expectations, but also to benefit the children, who would finally feel wanted and better equipped to pursue their own choices. It would be a win-win situation, and all parties concerned would walk away pleased with the arrangements.
Secondly, as a result of more harmonious child-to-parent matching, the unemployment rate would surely decrease because children would be better equipped to follow their passions when making decisions that affect their futures. No more baseball legends trapped behind the academic curtain of oppression; children can let their passions grow into real careers!
Thirdly, parents would finally get what they deserve: children that are willing to work to please them, as how it should be.
Fourthly, the teen suicide rate would plummet due to the increase in happiness caused by a healthier family life.
Fifthly, happier families would boost the American markets as a direct result of all the present-buying on behalf of both child and parent.
Lastly, this custom could spread internationally, and therefore reduce worldwide sorrow. This would mean that there would be less war, less poverty, and most importantly, more love.
Children can be crummy – I would know. I had two boys of my own, and I have already implemented my child swapping strategy in my own family. Now, I have two girls that are the volleyball stars I have always wanted. My sons just didn’t want to play, so I made the best choice of my life and exchanged them for something better- something my whole family deserved.
Some are worried that parents would miss their children; this is just completely false. Parents can’t distinguish between children – they are all just silly kids! From experience, I know that parents won’t even be able to tell that their new child is not their biological child; inherent parenting instincts will take over, and the rest will be history!
Families everywhere are miserable and disintegrating at alarming rates. Why not change that, and protect the sanctity of family values?