By Emi Yasuda
October 31st is just around the corner and after consulting the latest edition of Scaremonger International you’re convinced that something strange is afoot, and you don’t need to be standing face to face with the undead to realize it. Just imagining a decrepit graveyard, and desperate hands clawing through the surface is enough to realize that zombies are real. Why it’s been discussed on bus stop posters, internet announcements, and even Fox news- Health ALERT: Zombies in America. If they aren’t credible sources, what are? Despite your parents, teachers, and skeptical friends pleading with you to recognize a myth when you see one, you know better. Zombies are fact, and I assure you that your conjecture is not wrong.
You have probably witnessed these creatures firsthand. The vicious snapping of jaws at break time certainly isn’t just the sound of your ravenous classmates eating breakfast. The sinking feeling in your stomach before first period isn’t because you’re late- again. No. What you are sensing each morning is that zombies are indeed shuffling through the streets of Huntington Beach. And as we approach their favorite day of the year, Halloween, more will be coming. Try not to panic. Below, are a few precautionary measures you can take to safeguard yourself against zombie infection- or at least give these zombies a good run for their brain-popping matter!
In the event of a mass zombie pandemic, it will be difficult to tell friend from foe. Luckily, zombieism has several trademark characteristics, including poor posture, under eye circles, and unseasonable fashion choices. A cloud of buzzing flies, green skin, and maggots crawling from the ears are also dead giveaways. With these criteria, you’ll be able to spot more zombies than ever! For additional precision, remember that your typical zombie may also have limb loss, be carrying a limb, or be crying for brains, because it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single zombie in possession of a good appetite, must be in want of a brain.
Zombies rely on moans and groans and their rotting hands to tell you in the only way they can that yes, you are on the menu. This is not the time to shriek or squeal. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, there is no need for you to suffer in silence- communication is key. I recommend downloading twitter to get the latest dish on walking dead news. Don’t worry about zombie retweets, although chimps and toddlers have learned to use cell phones, zombies are still catching up. Electricity shortages will be likely, so make sure you have a few walkie-talkies on hand. The new iPhone 6 battery life, unfortunately, is not as huge as its new display.
3. Food Rations
You need to go all-out, extreme-couponing style! If you ever thought that buying hundreds of boxes of spaghetti is a bit overboard, think again. Remember, you’re planning for weeks, not days, and a trip back to the grocery store could result in you becoming the meal. Try stocking up on Pop-Tarts, and any other foods with enough preservatives to last the apocalypse. Feel free to raid the canned goods section and invest in some good frozen beef brain to appease the zombies.
This is definitely your most important resource, even more important than your apocalypse-ready Pop-Tarts supply. Incase the taps shut off, make sure you have an alternate source of water. Don’t be a drip, and get loads of water bottles, and containers. If you can’t, keep the bathtub full at all times. Just try not to create a cesspool / mosquito breeding ground.
When zombies come to town, don’t be caught off guard. Wearing designer heels is never appropriate, especially when the undead are in proximity. Ditch your flip-flops and get out your running shoes- zombies are notoriously fast despite that whole undead thing. Plus, they’re your best bet for walking long distances.
Zombies aren’t too selective when it comes to appearance. Thus, even your best outfit can’t save you from the jaws of a hungry zombie. Cargo pants are a great choice for storing your necessities. Keep as much skin covered as possible to prevent zombie bites. If it is too hot for full body armor, just remember to wear something durable, with pockets for supplies that won’t compromise your movement.
Even Fido isn’t safe from the walking dead. It has been rumored that zombieism can spread to pets. Domestic cats luckily aren’t too much of a concern. Having nine lives, they need to be killed nine times in order to become truly undead. Don’t worry- there are no reports confirmed of zombieism spreading from animal to human, but better safe than sorry.
Even if we are so fortunate as to be spared from this impending zombie-crisis, your newfound knowledge will serve you well. According to the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention, “If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake or terrorist attack.” These are clearly the endtimes.
This article is not meant to have any correlation to the current Ebola pandemic. It is meant in jest and is not aimed at making light of a serious illness.