By Sebastian Locke


Disclaimer: Please do not read if you are easily offended, because this is not meant to be taken 100% seriously.

Aquarius (January 21- February 19)

Beneath the aloof, unemotional exterior of Aquarius lies a kind hearted, warm friend that will go out of their way to help others. They enjoy making people laugh and do not expect anything in return, as long as there are no strings attached. Very original and clever, Aquarius is full of wit and always full of excitement. Even though you are smart, your stubbornness often gets in the way. Determined to keep things lighthearted, Aquarius tend to deflect heavy, emotional talk by using sarcasm and humor. Try to open up more to those around you. I suggest venting out your feelings to friends- but remember to hear what they have to say too!

Aquarius lucky item: Reality TV

Pisces (February 20- March 20)

Besides being very imaginative and accepting, Pisces is one of the most loyal and intuitive out of all of the signs. Although it’s great to be so devoted and compassionate towards others, don’t be a pushover that follows everyone else’s lead and take back some control. You have to wear the pants in your life or else you will very easily fall into a fathomless pit of self-pity and self-undoing. Have confidence in yourself and look to friends and family to stay grounded. Have a super fun board game night to promote bonding- I suggest Dungeons and Dragons or a riveting game of Yahtzee. Or better yet, play the quiet game.

 Pisces lucky item: a haircut

Aries (March 21- April 20)

Fiercely independent and optimistic about life, Aries is a generous spirit full of enthusiasm and courage. Even though your burning passion is a great thing, try to keep the smoke from coming out of your ears every time you lose your temper. As a natural leader people look up to you, so it is important to try to contain your tumultuous feelings and control yourself. Keep patience in mind and you will achieve your goals. Try hot yoga or meditation in order to relax your body and mind . . . or binge watch on Netflix (I suggest Criminal Minds or Death Note).

 Aries lucky item: infused water

 Taurus (April 21- May 21)

 A dependable and loyal person, Taurus makes an excellent friend and companion. You have immense perseverance, even when everyone else has already given up. You wants things done in your own way and it is your stubborn streak that gives you your independence. However, you need to get off your lazy butt and put some effort into your life. Don’t take things too personally and try to go with the flow more. In order to attain a sense of fulfillment, I suggest that you take up arts and crafts and sell your merchandise on Etsy.com.

 Taurus lucky item: fuzzy toe socks

 Gemini (May 22- June 21)

 Change and freedom are both paramount to Geminis. As an energetic and clever person, Gemini make for interesting and exciting people to be around. Even though you have strong thoughts and opinions, stop being such a reckless Paris Hilton wannabe. You tend to be superficial and impulsive, so think things through and about what truly matters. I suggest going without makeup for a day in order to focus more on the inside instead of the outside. And for you Gemini fellas, try looking up from a girl’s chest and into their eyes for once and then compliment their personality.

 Gemini lucky item: Frozen lunchbox

 Cancer (June 22- July 22)

 Known for being self-sufficient and responsive, Cancers are very dependable and caring friends. Although great at making others feel good about themselves, Cancers tend to be self-pitying yet self-absorbed at the same time. As a walking contradiction that complains about their problems, you need to stop being so clingy and sensitive all the time and toughen up. Try speaking up about your true deep feelings and learn to depend on others. I suggest having a bonfire with close friends and family where you open up to one another. Play a juicy game of Truth or Dare or Never Have I Ever- remember to bring marshmallows for smores!

 Cancer lucky item: graham crackers

 Leo (July 23- August 21)

 As a social butterfly, people naturally gravitate towards Leos. Your innate zest for life and warm spirit acts as a source of encouragement when times are rough. Even though it’s great to be confident and ambitious, stop being so pretentious and controlling. Remember that the world doesn’t revolve around you so there is no need to be so melodramatic about every little thing. Although you have a tendency to be self-centered you have good intentions and always pamper your friends. I suggest that you find somewhere to vent out your feelings or maybe learn to cook. Start out with tuna casserole.

 Leo lucky item: Spotify premium

 Virgo (August 22- September 23)

 As a Virgo you display traits such as being analytical, observant, helpful, reliable, and precise. Although you are smart and independent, you need to stop being a lame party pooper and live a little. Loosen up and enjoy life. I suggest that you go clubbing with your gal pals or homies and have a great time. Or if you want to get REAL exciting have tea with your grandma.

 Virgo lucky item: string cheese

 Libra (September 24- October 23)

 With excellent instincts and a deep intuition, Libras are all about bringing peace with a group and making others like them. Very diplomatic and hospitable, Libras enjoy being around others and are happiest when everyone is getting along. However, it’s important to not be indecisive and end up being unreliable because you are always the people pleaser. Don’t be such a masochist and get a backbone. Gather your thoughts and learn to speak out your mind.

 Libra lucky item: leather riding crop

 Scorpio (October 24- November 22)

 Able to accomplish anything that they put their mind to, Scorpios are very resourceful and dynamic. You like to be in control and tend to prefer to be more independent. While very loyal, Scorpios are also known for being possessive and downright moody. Luckily despite your insistent nagging, you are able to maintain healthy relationships with those you care about most. Try to keep the balance in your life and you will see eye to eye with others. I suggest that instead of being a hermit, try going out more with family and friends- perhaps go out to lunch or see a movie.

 Scorpio lucky item: Uber

 Sagittarius (November 23- December 22)

 Independence is what Sagittarius craves most, along with excitement and adventure. Your kindness is selfless, for you do not expect favors in return. While always fair and straightforward, Sagittarius is often unemotional and a major commitment-phobe. Always late and missing a date, tolerance is required when being with a Sagittarius. Instead of thinking solely about your personal freedom, make sure to take into consideration other people’s feelings. Don’t waste other people’s time and make an effort to communicate more. I suggest watching sappy romance movies in order to bring out your emotional side- perhaps The Notebook or The Fault in Our Stars. Maybe adopt a puppy or a houseplant to get over your commitment issues.

 Sagittarius lucky item: box of tissues

 Capricorn (December 23- January 20)

 Capricorns make for strong friends that are always there to offer help and sympathy. While very responsible and patient, Capricorns tend to be super anal about everything and don’t trust others to do stuff and would rather do it themselves. Often dictatorial and conceited, you try to cover up your melancholy with your sense of ambition because you feel unworthy. Just remember that all you need is self-love. Remember that the world isn’t just in black and white but also in shades of gray (at least 50 of them). Since you tend to be rigid, I suggest you go out on a spontaneous date with family or friends and just let life happen.

 Capricorn lucky item: ginger root


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